I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
