His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
