She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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