So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
