If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
