I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
COCAINE IS GR8
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
