last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
