I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
