i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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