This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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