do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It was confusing and full of hummus
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
