At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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