if you like me you must not know who I am
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
