I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
