Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
