there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
