if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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