He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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