I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
