Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
