I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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