I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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