I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
