I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
