swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
