I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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