The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
