Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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