I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
