i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
