he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
