Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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