Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
