Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
