During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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