Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
