Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
