also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
