Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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