my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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