i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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