What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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