he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
