Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
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is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
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the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again