Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'