I feel great
I just peed on a car
apparently the secret to your success is patron
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
