I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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