They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
