I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
