so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You ever have a fart follow you around?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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