I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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