Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Vodka?
Forever.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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