I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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