Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
